That filecard is funnier than anything I could ever hope to write in this opening section, so we’ll leave it at that.
I originally intended this to be a short post. But, as it turns out, I took more photos than I have for any post on this silly blog. So we’ll see if I can keep the text short, too.
For more than one reason, the set of 2000 Transformers Beast Machines McDonald’s Happy Meal Toys is my favorite batch of fast food premiums ever. I think there’s a strong argument to be made about it being legitimately the best batch of Happy Meal toys ever created. Look, I love Changeables and McNugget Buddies as much as the next Dinosaur Dracula, but this set had it all.
If you’re a Transformers fan, these should be on your radar.
Bootlegs are AN ILLEGAL CRIME, but I’ve always been drawn to them. Transformers bootlegs are often presented in strange colors. They’re often over (or under)-sized, and the plastic sometimes turns to ash the moment you remove them from their shoddy blister cards. But that’s their charm, right?
They’re a lot like one of those direct-to-video B sci-fi mockbusters (Transmorphers, Atlantic Rim, etc.)– you never know exactly what kind of treasures and/or horrors are contained within.
Some bootlegs, though, are straightforward. They’re exact copies of the original toy and boast similar quality, construction, coloring, and size. Sometimes they’re almost indistinguishable. They’re a perfect clone, more of a Boba Fett than a Bizarro Superman.
The ethics around these get kind of dicey. This is the case with the bootleg Transformers G1 Sunstreaker we’re looking at today. You can lambast me in the comments and give me flashbacks to my Instagram DMs, but I won’t be too bothered– I’ve spent enough money on Hasbro and Takara products by now that I’m sure I’ve put every middle manager in both company’s kids through college.
I picked this bootleg Sunstreaker up from AliExpress for several reasons:
- I’ve never owned a G1 Sunstreaker, and it hasn’t recently been reissued
- Many Sunstreakers on the secondary market are broken, missing pieces, or prohibitively expensive
- I’ve always been curious about the early Diaclone robots who became Transformers
- I wanted to know if these bootlegs were good quality
- It seemed like a fun thing to share with my readers
So, let’s take a look at this Doppelganger Sunstreaker. Ending 2019 by looking at a morally-dubious copy of a beloved Autobot car robot seems like a fitting way to say goodbye to this Hell Decade.
Motto: “Well, with all due respect, nobody told me that was a BBC documentary crew submarine, SIR!”
WET-SUIT has been characterized as being “two Ikea shelving units worth of mean on the hoof” and “twice as frustrating to deal with.” He is definitely not big on social graces, and was recently 86’d from the Oasis. He is not the type who goes over very well as the Chaplain Assistants’ Social Tea, as he only drinks tall cans of Twisted Tea (always shotgunned, always two at a time) and Monster Energy Java. Despite being an elite underwater operator, no one has ever seen him drink a single glass of H2O. Even so, he is exactly the dude you want behind you when you run into a gaggle of Cobra EELS in a shallow mine field or in a kiddie pool filled with Green Jello. Amazing how much damage he can do with a Ka-Bar knife and a Breitbart comments account. Wet-Suit is the head-honcho in charge of piloting the GI Joe Barracuda, which is an unnecessary title he just made up because he needs to feel like he retains some control over his life.
- Totally-real, totally-not-a-movie prop undersea spear rifle
- Air-tight, underwater helmet with 360° unscrambled Cinemax
- High-impact, delayed detonation torpedo (hunter orange for safety reasons)
- Low drag, nautical jet sled with heads-up display and neck pillow
- Pulse-powered, battlefield wrist viewer with scrambled Showtime
- Portable beeper/female body inspector
- Official V8 Survival Juice Drink
- Select-a-charge war crime devices
- Snug fit, deep water flippers (always worn with socks)
1988 Tiger Force Tripwire aka The Skoog aka Cat Skoog– today on The Dragon Fortress!
He dropped out of high school and got kicked out of a monastery. He’s an explosives expert. He’s a total Klutzy Karl.
And today, this Klutzy Karl shows off his Kitty-Kat Makeover.
Let’s cut the blue wire!
Subject: Deanna Troi
Assignment: U.S.S. Enterprise NCC-1701-D
Profile: Stardate 48271.5 Deadwood, South Dakota. The site of a wild west holodeck fantasy set on Earth in the 19th Century, unfortunately programmed by a notorious pervert and Worf’s idiot son. A stranger by the name of Durango wanders into town. Durango is really Counselor Troi, who has entered the Holodeck to join Sheriff Worf in the quintessential western saga which, again, was programmed by an idiot and a pervert. The Holodeck program created by Worf’s son, Alexander and his friend, Reginald, malfunctions. This strangely wasn’t due to their incompetence, but due to the fact that Captain Picard yelled at Geordi and Data for interrupting the recording of his new space clarinet mixtape. The corrupted programming on the Holodeck spawns multiple Datas with the simulation. Geordi wanted to get back at Picard, so he plugged Data’s brain into the Enterprise, and replaced all recreational activity and food with cat poetry and Friskies. Meanwhile, on the holodeck, Troi unfortunately didn’t get to do very much.
Wild West accessories:
* Sure-Shot Rifle (we legally can’t say ‘Winchester’)
* Six Shooter Revolver
* Ring of Jail Keys (pretty sure Troi looked at these once in the episode)
* Showdown Time Clock (Worf looked at this clock once, which is good enough for Playmates)
* Bonus: Starfleet Action Base
Motto: “I’m a back-breaker, a face kisser, and heartbreaker! Don’t mess with me, or I’ll go Pat Benatar on your ass!”
Rumor has it that DICE was once a Cobra NIGHT CREEPER, but was kicked out for being TOO evil! He refused to donate to the Broca Beach Fire Department for their annual Cobra Hook and Ladder Viper calendar, and that was more than NIGHT CREEPER LEADER was willing to tolerate!
Dice operates as a partner to the Cobra Ninja Swordsman SLICE, specializing in choke holds, pressure points, snares, traps, blunt instruments, woodwind instruments, and eye-gouging. His weapon of choice is the Bo-Staff, which he can manipulate with blinding speed and bone crushing power. It’s a hockey stick, wrapped in duct tape, with a steak knife taped to one end, but that doesn’t seem to blunt its effectiveness in combat.
His most dreaded technique is a motion he calls the “Flying Dragon.” Everyone else calls it “a sort of awkward backhand slap.” Dice is most troublesome when he gets behind the wheel of the Cobra Rat, simply because he never wears his glasses while he’s driving.
- Double bladed steak knife and salad fork bo-staff
- Battle axe
- Throwing spikes ammo pouches, spare car keys
- Delayed blast smoke bombs
- Tranquilizer throwing spikes for sleepless nights
- Steel-piercing throwing stars, bought in bulk discount at local mall
- Combat bandolier
- Padded, combat knee protectors/dashboard denters
- Traditional Dice Clan face mask (there is no Dice Clan, so traditions are arbitrary)
- Arm brace with convenient tattoo viewing window
Name: Rita Torres
Rank: Field Sergeant
E-Frame Type: Field Sergeant E-Frame #LD-029
Birth Planet: Earth
Dossier: Rita Torres is second to J.T. Marsh in the chain of command for Able Squad. As Field Sergeant, Torres is often first to engage Neosapien fire. On the ground or in the air, Torres is one tough leader. She follows the ExoFleet handbook to the letter, which often puts her at odds with the unorthodox procedures of Wolf Bronski.
With her Field Sergeant E-Frame at her command, Torres is never one to retreat from heavy ordinance Neobashing. She is able-bodied, level-headed, and objective-oriented — a perfect soldier of combat.
The world’s first mutant and possibly the most evil, even Apocalypse is astounded by the power of company-mandated crossover events. Awoken by his eternal servant Ozymandias, a tidy stone man in a jaunty hat, Apocalypse is alerted to the powerful energies that Onslaught (and the Biggest Summer Comics Event Of All Time!) is wielding,
Apocalypse rises from his chambers and makes his intentions known. After he does his pees and poos, of course.
Proposing an alliance with his greatest foes, the X-Men Missile Flyers (sold separately), Apocalypse seeks to destroy the power that is Onslaught (sold separately), while secretly planning to steal it for himself. Shoplifting is bad. Our Quality PRoducts are worth Full Retail Price.
Weakening Onslaught enough for Professor X to be released from the drunk tank and put on bond, the villain Apocalypse departs the IHOP parking lot and readies himself for a time that he would call the world his own. And he’ll prove it’s flat, once and for all!
Name: Colleen O’Reilly
Rank: Second Lieutenant
Assignment: ExoSquad JumpTroop: Charlie-Five Squadron
E-Frame Type: Rapid Recon #LS 042
Dossier: Colleen O’Reilly is the communications and ExoTech specilist for JumpTroop: Charlie-Five Squadron. She’s gutsy and outgoing. O’Reilly has a photographic memory and can hotwire just about any electronic device in the HomeWorlds. As one of only three ranking officers in Charlie-Five, O’Reilly interfaces with Able Squad and has developed a special camaraderie with J.T. Marsh. Under cover of her Venusian Defense Cammo, O’Reilly can touch down in her UltraLight Rapid Recon E-Frame, blast her way into Neosapien strongholds, electronically sabotage Neo security and be out in time to join primary ExoForces in battle.