1992 GI Joe Ninja Force Dice

1992 GI Joe Ninja Force Dice – Dragon Fortress Reviews

1992 GI Joe Ninja Force Dice

Motto: “I’m a back-breaker, a face kisser, and heartbreaker! Don’t mess with me, or I’ll go Pat Benatar on your ass!”

Rumor has it that DICE was once a Cobra NIGHT CREEPER, but was kicked out for being TOO evil! He refused to donate to the Broca Beach Fire Department for their annual Cobra Hook and Ladder Viper calendar, and that was more than NIGHT CREEPER LEADER was willing to tolerate!

Dice operates as a partner to the Cobra Ninja Swordsman SLICE, specializing in choke holds, pressure points, snares, traps, blunt instruments, woodwind instruments, and eye-gouging. His weapon of choice is the Bo-Staff, which he can manipulate with blinding speed and bone crushing power. It’s a hockey stick, wrapped in duct tape, with a steak knife taped to one end, but that doesn’t seem to blunt its effectiveness in combat.

His most dreaded technique is a motion he calls the “Flying Dragon.” Everyone else calls it “a sort of awkward backhand slap.” Dice is most troublesome when he gets behind the wheel of the Cobra Rat, simply because he never wears his glasses while he’s driving.

Equipment:

  1. Double bladed steak knife and salad fork bo-staff
  2. Battle axe
  3. Throwing spikes ammo pouches, spare car keys
  4. Delayed blast smoke bombs
  5. Tranquilizer throwing spikes for sleepless nights
  6. Steel-piercing throwing stars, bought in bulk discount at local mall
  7. Combat bandolier
  8. Padded, combat knee protectors/dashboard denters
  9. Traditional Dice Clan face mask (there is no Dice Clan, so traditions are arbitrary)
  10. Arm brace with convenient tattoo viewing window

Continue reading “1992 GI Joe Ninja Force Dice – Dragon Fortress Reviews”

1994 Exosquad Rita Torres with Field Sergeant E-Frame

1994 Exosquad Rita Torres with Field Sergeant E-Frame – Dragon Fortress Reviews

 

1994 Exosquad Rita Torres with Field Sergeant E-Frame

(Updated 9/10/25 with a few new images)

Name: Rita Torres

Rank: Field Sergeant

E-Frame Type: Field Sergeant E-Frame #LD-029

Birth Planet: Earth

Dossier: Rita Torres is second to J.T. Marsh in the chain of command for Able Squad. As Field Sergeant, Torres is often first to engage Neosapien fire. On the ground or in the air, Torres is one tough leader. She follows the ExoFleet handbook to the letter, which often puts her at odds with the unorthodox procedures of Wolf Bronski.

With her Field Sergeant E-Frame at her command, Torres is never one to retreat from heavy ordinance Neobashing. She is able-bodied, level-headed, and objective-oriented — a perfect soldier of combat.

Continue reading “1994 Exosquad Rita Torres with Field Sergeant E-Frame – Dragon Fortress Reviews”

1996 X-Men Onslaught Apocalypse Rising

1996 X-Men Onslaught Apocalypse Rising – Dragon Fortress Reviews

1996 X-Men Onslaught Apocalypse Rising

The world’s first mutant and possibly the most evil, even Apocalypse is astounded by the power of company-mandated crossover events. Awoken by his eternal servant Ozymandias, a tidy stone man in a jaunty hat, Apocalypse is alerted to the powerful energies that Onslaught (and the Biggest Summer Comics Event Of All Time!) is wielding,

Apocalypse rises from his chambers and makes his intentions known. After he does his pees and poos, of course.

Proposing an alliance with his greatest foes, the X-Men Missile Flyers (sold separately), Apocalypse seeks to destroy the power that is Onslaught (sold separately), while secretly planning to steal it for himself. Shoplifting is bad. Our Quality PRoducts are worth Full Retail Price.

Weakening Onslaught enough for Professor X to be released from the drunk tank and put on bond, the villain Apocalypse departs the IHOP parking lot and readies himself for a time that he would call the world his own. And he’ll prove it’s flat, once and for all!

Continue reading “1996 X-Men Onslaught Apocalypse Rising – Dragon Fortress Reviews”

1994 Exosquad JumpTroops Colleen O’Reilly

1994 Exosquad JumpTroops Colleen O’Reilly – Dragon Fortress Reviews

1994 Exosquad JumpTroops Colleen O’Reilly

(Post Updated 9/10/25 with a few new photos)

Name: Colleen O’Reilly

Rank: Second Lieutenant

Assignment: ExoSquad JumpTroop: Charlie-Five Squadron

E-Frame Type: Rapid Recon #LS 042

Dossier: Colleen O’Reilly is the communications and ExoTech specilist for JumpTroop: Charlie-Five Squadron. She’s gutsy and outgoing. O’Reilly has a photographic memory and can hotwire just about any electronic device in the HomeWorlds. As one of only three ranking officers in Charlie-Five, O’Reilly interfaces with Able Squad and has developed a special camaraderie with J.T. Marsh. Under cover of her Venusian Defense Cammo, O’Reilly can touch down in her UltraLight Rapid Recon E-Frame, blast her way into Neosapien strongholds, electronically sabotage Neo security and be out in time to join primary ExoForces in battle.

Continue reading “1994 Exosquad JumpTroops Colleen O’Reilly – Dragon Fortress Reviews”

1993 GI Joe Star Brigade Invader

1993 GI Joe Star Brigade Invader – Dragon Fortress Reviews

1993 GI Joe Star Brigade Invader

It’s Cobra’s interplanetary attack craft that’s “hoppin” mad! It’s also sincerely “hoppin” you won’t notice it’s just an older toy, which no one liked the first time around, with a missile launcher glued to one of its legs!

The INVADER attacks by plummeting from the upper atmosphere and pouncing on unsuspecting victims dwelling on planet surfaces. That is, it would if its targeting read out was any larger or more sophisticated than a Sega Game Gear, and its pilot had even rudimentary military training. Instead, when you see the INVADER coming from a mile away, you’ll notice it looks like a big neon blender with legs, and you can just either take a few steps to the right or get into your car and go out for a pack of smokes.

Don’t worry, the INVADER isn’t going anywhere. Regardless, this ballistic battle ball features lunar landing legs, an opening command canopy, and a spring-fired missile launcher. So basically it fires one shot, it can fit a plastic spaceman in its neon green innards, and it can stand up on its three legs. And we use the term “stand up” in the loosest possible sense.

Continue reading “1993 GI Joe Star Brigade Invader – Dragon Fortress Reviews”

1998 star wars expanded universe luke skywalker from dark empire

1998 Star Wars Expanded Universe Luke Skywalker (Dark Empire) – Dragon Fortress Reviews

1998 star wars expanded universe luke skywalker from dark empire

Six Years after the destruction of the second Death Star (but thirty-something years and a thousand-something beers before the destruction of the third one), the galaxy is thrust into turmoil. Which was honestly pretty normal at that point. It had been normal since that dorky kid fell into the lava, really.

Anyway, a reborn evil threatens to enslave the galaxy, and the Republic’s third-best-selling action figure – Luke Skywalker – may become their greatest enemy.

Freed from their detention cell, a group of rebels begin their escape from the Imperial planet Byss. But the sudden appearance of Luke Skywalker, who is the only Jedi so he gets to call himself a Jedi Master, could mean unfortunate news for the Rebels.

Has Luke fallen under the spell of the dark side, or do those dark circles under his eyes just mean he needs to drink more water and invest in a better concealer?

So, The Last Jedi came out last month. My last blog post came out before that. This post was originally meant to coincide with TLJ and get me some sweet trend-clicks, but I goofed up on that one.

If you don’t want to talk about Star Wars, that’s totally fine. I get it. You can come back to this whenever you’re in the mood.

If you do want to talk about Star Wars– hello! Let’s look at a Luke Skywalker figure from the 1990s. I think it’s a safe bet, because good ol’ Luke would never generate any sort of controversy… right?

Continue reading “1998 Star Wars Expanded Universe Luke Skywalker (Dark Empire) – Dragon Fortress Reviews”

1993 GI Joe Street Fighter 2 Vega

1993 GI Joe Street Fighter 2 Vega – Dragon Fortress Reviews

1993 GI Joe Street Fighter 2 Vega

Of noble blood, Vega has successfully combined the Japanese art of Ninjutsu with the skills he learned as a matador. He honed his ninja skills by watching Ninja Scroll 12 times in one week, and he’s pretty sure he saw a cow once. So, total ninja and matador. The result is a beautiful, yet fearsome, ballet in which led him to call himself “The Spanish Ninja” on all online forums and job applications. Vega lives by the philosophy that beauty is strength. Despising anything ugly, such as Hammer Pants and any post-1986 McDonald’s play place, Vega views himself as perfect– much how he views all Lisa Frank (™) products. He wears a mask to protect his face from enduring damage in battle, but it really just gives him pretty bad acne and allows him to smell his own tapas breath. Grody, dude.

Used by M. Bison primarily as an assassin, Vega often dispatches foes with his claw (sold separately).

Qualified Expert: All Ninja Force accessories, All NATO and Warsaw Pact chainlink fences, red roses, hockey mask, white roses, all animal-tested skin creams and moisturizers, wolverine claw (singular)

From the Files of M. Bison, Shadowloo Overlord: “Vega is a useful idiot. He’s like one of those kids who buys swords at the mall and practices in his backyard after school, but instead of his backyard, it’s my courtyard. Oh, and guess who buys his claws for him? Yeah, that’s right, me. Even though the guy has more money than sense, he’s super stingy. Still, someone has to distract Guile and Chun-Li when they come knocking at my door, and sometimes Vega gets a pretty good cheap shot in. Oh, and he’s really not that handsome. Have you seen Christian Slater lately? I mean, come on. There’s really no comparison.”

Continue reading “1993 GI Joe Street Fighter 2 Vega – Dragon Fortress Reviews”

Star Trek Innerspace Shuttlecraft Goddard

1995 Star Trek Innerspace Shuttlecraft Goddard – Dragon Fortress Reviews

Star Trek Innerspace Shuttlecraft Goddard

For this review of the 1995 Star Trek Innerspace Shuttlecraft Goddard, I’m writing a smaller review than usual. I’ll say I’m keeping at a micro level in honor of this tiny vehicle/playset and its diminutive inhabitants, but it could also be because there’s only so much to say about two semi-articulated figures and their dwarf hamster-sized vehicle.

I’ll leave it up to you to decide whether I’m paying tribute or being a lazy slob, dear readers.

Anyway, no smartass filecard or tech spec mimicry this time! If you want to read about the Shuttlecraft Goiddard, here’s a link to its entry at Memory Alpha.

On with the review!

Continue reading “1995 Star Trek Innerspace Shuttlecraft Goddard – Dragon Fortress Reviews”

1992 GI Joe Headhunter

1992 GI Joe Cobra Headhunters – Dragon Fortress Reviews

1992 GI Joe Headhunter

Cobra’s elite street level guards, the HEADHUNTERS, are ruthless, highly trained, and picked from the best Cobra has to offer. In order to meet the daunting Headhunter qualifications, a Cobra soldier must have a high school diploma, a GED, or any Warsaw Pact equivalent. Vetting for Headhunters is so extreme that candidates must pass a gruelling algebra test, know where the safety is on a 9mm pistol, be able to name four Bob Marley songs, and have a valid driver’s license. Former food service workers with more than four customer complaints are also heavily considered. Once a Cobra soldier becomes a Headhunter, they can look forward to standing around behind HEADMAN in a variety of dark alley and nightclub situations. The only thing Cobra Headhunters love more than sticking it to GI Joe is selling weed to undercover cops.

Qualified Expert: Shotgun, Knife, All NATO and Warsaw Pact Leather Jackets, Nicotine, Valium, Vicodin, Marijuana, Ecstasy, and Alcohol… C-C-C-C-Cocaine

From the files of Cobra Commander: “Headhunters? Oh, yeah. Those guys are okay. You can hit them up on their beeper at 3am, and they’ll be at your house in under 30 minutes with whatever you need. And I do mean whatever you need. Well, kind of. I usually just end up with a bag of dirt weed (mostly seeds and stems), some prescription cat valium, and a frozen Tony’s Pizza. But, let’s be honest, that makes them more elite and dependable than 90% of my forces. That Headman guy, though? Fedora, ponytail, goatee, or bandit mask– you only get to pick one! Cripes, what a doofus.”

Continue reading “1992 GI Joe Cobra Headhunters – Dragon Fortress Reviews”

1995 Mortal Kombat Sonya Blade (Movie Edition) – Dragon Fortress Reviews

 

1995 mortal kombat movie edition sonya blade

SONYA BLADE is a member of the US Special Forces and, unlike her co worker Johnny Cage, she NEVER GIVES INTO HER EMOTIONS. She is logical and stoic to a fault, and always considers all sides of an argument. She waits for all evidence before jumping to conclusions, and never lets feminine things like “feelings,” “good judgment,” or “intuition” cloud her reasoning, which makes her popular on web forums dedicated to gaming and atheism– that is, until her fellow forum members find out she’s a woman! Then, not even her extreme discipline, legendary toughness, extensive military training, sheer fighting prowess, and considerable intelligence can put her back into their good graces. When she’s playing Quake online, Sonya never turns on voice chat, but she always wins.

Sonya accidentally entered the Mortal Kombat tournament when she chased the renegade men’s cybernetics model KANO onto a boat bound for Abu Dhabi. The boat ended up on Shang Tsung’s Fantasy Island, and she ended up fighting candy colored ninjas, a four armed guy with a manbun, and a lightning god wearing a potentially culturally insensitive hat. Now, she’s tangentially related to GI JOE!

Qualified Expert: Cobra Commander’s Machine Gun, Knife, Nerf Football Missile, 14 Forms of Martial Arts, Live Motion Capture, FRIENDSHIP

From the Files of Shang Tsung, Mortal Kombat CEO: “All I really know about this Sonya Blade woman is that she’s a total narc. I was once minding my own business in the Earth Realm, driving my Pontiac Grand Am to an arms deal at an abandoned warehouse. She pulled me out of the car and confiscated a baggie of green leaves from my glove compartment. It was just sleepytime tea! You try getting to sleep with so many stolen souls swimming around in your body. It ain’t easy! Anyway, I skipped town for Outworld before my court date.”

Continue reading “1995 Mortal Kombat Sonya Blade (Movie Edition) – Dragon Fortress Reviews”