1993 GI Joe Crimson Guard Commander – Dragon Fortress Reviews

 

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No one is sure what a CRIMSON GUARD COMMANDER actually does. Cobra Commander bills them as “elite officers” and “masters of corporate espionage and field combat operations,” but most Cobra personnel have never seen any of those descriptors in action. In fact, no one in Cobra is really sure if there’s more than one Crimson Guard Commander, even though Cobra Commander insists there that’s the case. No one knows if they have anything to do with the Crimson Guard– not even the Crimson Guardsmen themselves! Mostly, a Crimson Guard Commander seems to act as Cobra middle management, and that’s where their true ruthlessness becomes apparent. If some unlucky soul sees a Crimson Guard Commander in person, chances are the CGC is monitoring a Tele Viper or Techno Viper’s tech support calls for “quality assurance,” or delegating nightmarish tasks to Cobra’s enlisted men. Even Big Bad Cobras are afraid of the Crimson Guard Commander; after all, no one wants to shine Destro’s head or file Cesspool’s taxes– but a CGC just might make them do it!

They also insist their primary weapon is a highly-modified AK-47 laser rifle, like you can just stick AA batteries in an AK-47’s magazine and it starts magically shooting lasers. Yeah, right.

Qualified Expert: All Weapons Trees and Spring Loaded Devices, Totally Real AK-47 Laser Rifle, Minesweeper, All NATO and Warsaw Pact Quickbooks Software, Cobra RAT

From the Files of Cobra Commander: “I love those Crimson Guard Commanders! There are totally more than one, and I know exactly what they do and how they’re unique from the rest of the Siegees. Sure, a Crimson Guard Immortal is pretty great, but they don’t have COMMANDER in their name, so they just don’t compare to a Seigee See. Plus, the Crimson Guard Commanders totally supply their own bullets and never complain about putting money into their health savings accounts, unlike the enlisted rabble. Easily my favorite, most elite officers. They’re so cool and badass that if they ever turned against me (they wouldn’t), they’d be almost as dangerous as GI Joe! Plus we’re totally friends and hang out all the time, doing dirt bike stunts and shotgunning cans of Red Dog American Imperialist Lager in the Burger King Parking lot.”

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