1993 – Page 3 – The Dragon Fortress

As head of Security for GI Joe, Law has acquired a reputation as a relentless narc in the barracks and a loudmouth nerd on the battlefield. He’s a slow-talking, uneducated, and lazy military cop, but he usually shows up to work on time. That makes him an ideal candidate for the Battle Corps team. When Battle Corps needed a new member to protect the innocent from Cobra, they tried to call Shockwave, but he was busy driving a Lamborghini around Miami and loading up on gas station hot dogs (the kind with the cheese in the middle). Law wasn’t the team’s second or third choice, but he’d know that if he ever bothered to read the paperwork– or if he bothered to read anything other than Bazooka Joe comics and the Jungle Strike instruction manual!

Law is the kind of soldier who walked a beat for days, and then complained about it until HQ gave him a patrol golf cart. Law’s main goal is to rid the world of criminals, but since he thinks everyone but him is a criminal, he’s going to lead a very lonely existence if he ever succeeds.

From the Files of General Hawk: “I never cared much for cops, and Law is no exception. I liked him much better when his dog, Order, was still around. No one knows for sure, but the rumor is Law lost Order in a custody battle with his ex-wife. Order’s probably better off, but the Joe team mourns the loss of one of its favorite members. Order would go fetch you an ice cold Yo Joe Cola right out of the fridge, and even shut the refrigerator door when he was done. What a good boy! Law, on the other hand? Eh. He’s Duke’s responsibility, as far as I’m concerned.”

From the Files of Duke: “God dammit, Hawk.”

Continue reading “1993 GI Joe Battle Corps Law – Dragon Fortress Reviews” →

No one is sure what a CRIMSON GUARD COMMANDER actually does. Cobra Commander bills them as “elite officers” and “masters of corporate espionage and field combat operations,” but most Cobra personnel have never seen any of those descriptors in action. In fact, no one in Cobra is really sure if there’s more than one Crimson Guard Commander, even though Cobra Commander insists there that’s the case. No one knows if they have anything to do with the Crimson Guard– not even the Crimson Guardsmen themselves! Mostly, a Crimson Guard Commander seems to act as Cobra middle management, and that’s where their true ruthlessness becomes apparent. If some unlucky soul sees a Crimson Guard Commander in person, chances are the CGC is monitoring a Tele Viper or Techno Viper’s tech support calls for “quality assurance,” or delegating nightmarish tasks to Cobra’s enlisted men. Even Big Bad Cobras are afraid of the Crimson Guard Commander; after all, no one wants to shine Destro’s head or file Cesspool’s taxes– but a CGC just might make them do it!

They also insist their primary weapon is a highly-modified AK-47 laser rifle, like you can just stick AA batteries in an AK-47’s magazine and it starts magically shooting lasers. Yeah, right.

Qualified Expert: All Weapons Trees and Spring Loaded Devices, Totally Real AK-47 Laser Rifle, Minesweeper, All NATO and Warsaw Pact Quickbooks Software, Cobra RAT

From the Files of Cobra Commander: “I love those Crimson Guard Commanders! There are totally more than one, and I know exactly what they do and how they’re unique from the rest of the Siegees. Sure, a Crimson Guard Immortal is pretty great, but they don’t have COMMANDER in their name, so they just don’t compare to a Seigee See. Plus, the Crimson Guard Commanders totally supply their own bullets and never complain about putting money into their health savings accounts, unlike the enlisted rabble. Easily my favorite, most elite officers. They’re so cool and badass that if they ever turned against me (they wouldn’t), they’d be almost as dangerous as GI Joe! Plus we’re totally friends and hang out all the time, doing dirt bike stunts and shotgunning cans of Red Dog American Imperialist Lager in the Burger King Parking lot.”

Continue reading “1993 GI Joe Crimson Guard Commander – Dragon Fortress Reviews” →